My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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