i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
