peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
