i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
