Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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