Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
