I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
