it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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