You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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