You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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