I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
