I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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