Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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