I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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