this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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