When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
