The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
