just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
