I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize