Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
