I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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