yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
