Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize