I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
