Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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