Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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