Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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