Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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