by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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