Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
