trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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