with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
