just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
