I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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