Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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