Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
