Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
