Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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