tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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