i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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