She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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