god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Randomize
