I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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