Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
