Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
