tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
