Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
