I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
