If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
