I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
