she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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