I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
