Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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