Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
