I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
