I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think I sprained my soul last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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