just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
