Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
