Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
