Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
